Family Advice

My sister told me something today
She told me that I used to be so independent
I used to be
before I got my first boyfriend
and since then,
even when I was with him
I lost my love of being alone.
I lost my happiness

I'm not sure if that's right
when I was young
I never felt that I would ever get a boyfriend
I heard other girls going on about boys
and repelled away from that
I wanted to be too cool for that
I wanted to not care
but I cried into my pillow every night
wrote fantasies of how I would meet my perfect man
how it would happen

I was too good at hiding it
I was too good at pretending
and anyway
I had no clue
what it meant
to be loved

and now that it has gone
and now that I know people talk about it
and now that it has left something
a hole
a bitterness
a pain

so now
when they fail
again and again
and I moan about it
and I cry about it
open now
wounds awake to the world
I'm told I've lost my happiness

but I don't think I ever had it
I was just really good at pretending

So now where do I stand?

if I realise I have never been happy
I have to do something about it
Where on earth to start?