Family Advice

My sister told me something today
She told me that I used to be so independent
I used to be
before I got my first boyfriend
and since then,
even when I was with him
I lost my love of being alone.
I lost my happiness

I'm not sure if that's right
when I was young
I never felt that I would ever get a boyfriend
I heard other girls going on about boys
and repelled away from that
I wanted to be too cool for that
I wanted to not care
but I cried into my pillow every night
wrote fantasies of how I would meet my perfect man
how it would happen

I was too good at hiding it
I was too good at pretending
and anyway
I had no clue
what it meant
to be loved

and now that it has gone
and now that I know people talk about it
and now that it has left something
a hole
a bitterness
a pain

so now
when they fail
again and again
and I moan about it
and I cry about it
open now
wounds awake to the world
I'm told I've lost my happiness

but I don't think I ever had it
I was just really good at pretending

So now where do I stand?

if I realise I have never been happy
I have to do something about it
Where on earth to start?

Alone

It hits me
Blindsides me some days
Others I see from a far off land
Like the slow rise of a big wave
To crash on my solitary shores
Heaving everything up
Wrenching roots and spilling boats
All thoughts asunder
As the tears fall
Chest heaving
Shuddering sharp earthquakes
Rushing through me
And out of me

Sometimes I'm at the top,
Searching for it
On the look out
And I can prepare
Run to a safe place before it hits

Other times I'm not looking
I'm watching the other side
Or the inside
Enjoying the peacefulness of me
And it hits me in the back of the head
Shatters the tears
Breaks the sob
In the middle of a dark party
A loud pub
A line for the bank

And it rushes me
The questions
The pain
The loneliness
The terror of age

And I cry
And then

Then

Then if flows over me
It flows through me
Through the tall strong oaks
Over deep bedrock
To flow out the other side
And it leaves some damage
And it has some pain

But tomorrow dawns brighter
After the rain.

The next stop

I'm sitting on the 8:15
On a Monday morning
Out of the corner of my eye I see a girl throw a dirty look out the window.
Phone in her hand.
In front of me I see a boy
Going through sent messages
His foot is tapping
He checks his inbox
Again and again
Phones in hands
Angry faces

Or is it good news he is waiting for
An apology
An acceptance
A joke

My phone holds the wreckage
of several relationships
Each one deleted afterwards
To spare me from the memory
Of how I failed at being the perfect someone

To break out of the phone
To look up and recognise
Your fears and frustrations
In the faces

It makes it easier
Maybe

But not really.

Waiting

I've been waiting. 

expecting

hoping

dreaming

to see someone finally there

a perfect monstrosity

someone perfect for me.

and they told me he would come

'be lining up outside the door'

'you will have your choice'

oh I have choices alright

be alone or be with someone

someone who doesn't really like me 

for what I really am.

someone who has a dream of me

someone who doesn't care what I do

someone who is free

someone who leaves me alone

it's the same as being alone

so where do I stand?

what do I choose?

To leave them? 

to see if there is that perfect out there for me?

or to stay,

and let them leave me

let them not care

let them life a 'free' life

calling me up whenever they feel like it

seeing me whenever it's best for them

I want someone who wants to see me

someone who I can trust

to keep their promises

to do what they say

being in a relationship

means compromise

means restriction

so why do people do it?

if it takes away freedom?

I don't think it takes away my freedom

I love to mind

to protect

to care for

I love knowing that I will be minded

protected

cared for

well I think I do

it hasn't happened yet.