Lady brain

Doodle mania, inspiration from pintrest.

My life so far

Well able

The hum of soft labour

A slow awakening

Realisation

That you

As all others have said before

You are,

Those you didn't believe, 

You are 

Well able. 

She

That strand of sinew 

That pulls a little

Farther than it should

That echo of pain

Wrapped in a smile

Hidden by the eyes

I know what she sees

I see what she is

I've seen it deep

She walks with a stride

Looks in each reflected pool

Carries her bag like a small child

She has it

The weight of others love

The talent, the gift

The pain of the weight

Of the love

Creaks

Like a oak hewn table

Under levels of love

Creaks

But holds

Under the weight

Of this love. 

Go

Wait a while
Sit and see
See the whole world
Rush to meet
Your feet

The chest feels tight
The breath filling
Shallow and quick
The eyes blur
The focus shifts

Take the quick breath
Feel the muscles hurt
Feel them pull
And scrape and tear

As you pull yourself
Up
From that seat
That chair
Where you sat
Waiting

It's your turn now
But you've grown comfortable
Waiting
Happily sitting

Afraid of the pain
Afraid of the change
Afraid of the fear
You feel

So you stay where you know
and become an expert
At sitting
At waiting

Ignore your name called
Ignore the signs
And watch the others
pass you by.

Destructions

Followed to a point
Early often the point
Where sheets are crumpled
and the panic set in
Each section placed
A screw lost
A side unseen
A list missed
The key
To turn
Suspiciously absent

And it sets,
It builds
the panic
the cost
the anger
the fear

damp it down
take a breath
pretend and pretend

sit back and wait
wait and clear
and find
find find
under the chairs
the couch
the wall
the fridge
the next room. and you find it
the one thing
under your boot
under you
you were the biggest destruction
in your own way.

but hey
you have it now
and get on with it.

The Eyes

I did see it,
there
beyond the spiculations
and the strange edges
there
in the deep black
in the darkness
a warmth
an abyss
waiting there
teetering at the edge
gasped breath
a little hitch
cover it with moving
with the warm look
moved
to widened silliness,
but I saw it
I saw it all

You can hide it.
you can wait,
you can see who snaps first,
but I knew
and you knew I knew
the careful control
you have
over your shoulders
your arms
your chest
but your eyes
and your hands
they give you away
and I've seen it
I've seen it all.

Spring

Spring pushes up
Little and slowly
From the deep core
Pushing through the cold
The frost
Softening the earth
Last years leaves
mulching into next year greens
The white dead sits on new green
As it slowly sprouts
Reaching to the sky
To the height
Spinning off this surface
Off the land
Off the spinning core pulling it back
Pushing out
Reaching for the sun
Reaching for its loving embrace
It's wash of warmth
It's magic heat
Opening the world
Feeding it full
Of a world
Perfectly adapted
To live
Again

Roll around the year rolls on
And it will roll into death again
And again
But it always comes back
It always pushes up
And springs.

The Long Game

I chunk it up
chunk it and crush it
under the wheels,
it seems smaller that way
easier to see
the long game still batters
and wails at my door
the latch is holding
a door for each weekend
my barrier against life
against the time
and the deadlines
and the pressures and strife

from all that i think of
from all that i worry
i still sit here
wondering
if i just didn't
then when
when would it catch up with me?
when would i end
when would i fail out
and when would i tell?

for now i feel happy
cautious and whole
as the bubble of tension
wraps its strands round my soul

each organ reacting
as if the end of the world
is two weeks away
panicking
rumbling and tumbling
around in this case

the brain, serene
above all that waste
sees farther ahead,
ignores the oncoming storm,
can see above waves
to the calm and the home
now only to get there
to that island and free

i shall walk
i shall see
i shall give the body a task
and set the mind free.

Sevenling

She stares up at the black
sees the stars twinkle back
Holes in the world

She feels it deep
in that cold pale skin
The starlight shines

Sinks in deep.

Sea Breaks

Sunny streaks across speckled plastic window panes
the world flies by, from coast to coast, we sit and watch
as we slide like a hot knife through soft butter
like a shark blade through smooth seas
splitting the green and brown, turning the turf beneath
unzipping the countryside, for our eyes only.

gleams of seas
of turf and tide
blue and brown
cut by searing white
blinking flash of reflection
off glass
the racing bodies
encased
safe
a soft lean

gravity peeks in
to show us what she can do
the moon breaks
over soft sandy shingles
pulling the worlds blanket over itself
stealing the sheets
only to let it loose again
and again
and again

the hot face
warmed by wind
 and sun
 and happiness
 free
small change
for a small change
that keeps me smiling
when the sun drops and fades.

Plus +

And here we are again
Round and round it fails to end
Again I sit here
The place is different
So am I
Yet here we are again
Adding one
To another
Pinning hopes on fleeting dreams
Watching each future flash out
Finding another in its place
A world in turmoil
Adding the minutes
The days
The years
To the total
The sum of your life

And you can see
The mountain of achievements
The little and the big
The little craters of mistakes
The landslides of catastrophe

But you are still here
Still standing on this mountain of minutes
And the higher you climb
The more you see
The higher you climb
The less important those falls seem to be
And they help you
They make you
They are you.

Hold that ...

Space
That huge space
Waiting to be filled
By what?
you don't know
I don't either
Don't look at me!

I have a few plans
A few things I want
To pack away
Like gold stars
For a rainy day
Or when it all comes down on me
Or you
Or us
To pull out and look at
And sigh
And smile
That space
For precious things
For happiness and memories
For hopes and dreams
Waiting
Empty

But maybe that the best bit
The only bit
The waiting
The space for more
The yearning
For finishing
For completeness
For happiness

What happens when it's full?
Do we sit back now?
Are we done?
Do we finish life now?
Do we get a free ticket out?

Don't know if I like that
So I think I'll keep free
That space
Hold that space
For me.

April PAD Challenge

Tidal Waves

Time ticks on

time ticks faster

and faster 

seeing me founder

in front of its tide

Which pulls closer
and closer

my time

to its very end

to the lowest

to the end

I know it will roll right over me

fast

if I don't run

to catch

the glimpse of a chance

a future

so far

so far

but marching close

Instead I sit here
on the beach
watching the tide pull back
stretching out the interesting things
the rocks
and sand
and little things
small
helpless things
wriggling in the sand
and I sit
and stare at this beautiful world
revealed
by the irresistible pull
of the future
waiting
to crash
and destroy

it will hit me
I will be swept away
and yet
I cant climb
the nearest tree
or run to the mountain
when all others are
I sit
and watch
and wait
for it
for it will come
and I might have time
if I just wait
one
more
minute.

Pause

When distance
becomes terrible
when lengths
takes it through
past the width
of the ribs
past the beat
of the foundering heart
when eyes
stare blank
at the window, at the wall
at the cracks of sunlight
at the time that ticks
at the silence
and softness
at the wishes
to pause it

and keep it
keep you
keep it
safe
secret
warm
and forever
splitting time
by heartbeat
by blink
by flicker
by hand hold
in the dark
in the silence.

Paralyzed

That feeling
When you can't really feel
Like you are ok
Like there's something else
Right in your way
Like there's something unsaid
Something quietly boiling
Something underneath
Something roiling

And you don't know what
Thought you think you might have
One or two solid ideas
To terrifying to breathe
Things you can't fix
Though you try and you try
Things that might
Be the most annoying thing
That you do

And you caution your breathing,
Your movements and eating
Your clothes and your face
Tone it all down
Dress it all up
For fear
You do something
To drive them away

Then more joins the fray
What if you changing,
Is something they hate
What if you changing to keep them
Makes them abdicate
That you don't have the confidence
The pride in your ways
To stay as fast as them
They don't change a day

But you can't help thinking
That if I do nothing
If I stay the way I am
That there still might be something
That niggles and tears
The politeness forbids
That thing that you do
To be mentioned
To be breathed
To be said.

Ends

Everything ends
The minute draws to a close
Ticking forward
The time of our lives
Marching on
To the next

Five o'clocks
Eight o'clocks
Twelve o'clocks
Fridays
Sundays
Thirtys
Twelves

Some wither
Some smile
Some bang and flash
Some approach with dread
Some cannot come fast enough
Some are just right
Some can run and jump

This one is so close
Yes so far
A distance to breach
A yard too far to reach
Many hurdles
Weaving the way
Jumping and pushing
Falling away

Walk on
Walk on
Walk on to the way
The silence
And calm
The panic
The drama

We all walk one way
To the end

Neat

Whole worlds folded up
Printed flat
Rolled out
Giant lands
Cultures grand
Private people
Dreams and hopes
Plans and thoughts
Struggles backwards
Forwards forever onwards
Rolling hurtling through the black
Virgin seas split by wood and steel
To be drawn
Neatly
Tidily
Fixing up those corners
Those borders
Those cities and towns
Defined by the pen
By the colour
By the fence
You put there
Nice
And
Neat.

Destinations

Where will she go
To the new towns of old
Or the old towns in the new
To the north or south
To the east
To or west
To villains or friends
To loneliness or home
To the wide world
To the small world
To the heart or to the mind

Can they be in one place?
Can it make sense?

I feel it not hard
I feel it right
I feel it doubted
By all that might
Feel they know me
Think me
Or own me
I feel my soul scared
I feel the other too

I know very little
I know quite a lot
About bits bobs and bones
About mind heart and hopes

I wish I could see
I know I'll be happy
It's just a matter of when
And with whom
And how on earth I'll get there
And if the world will be the same
Ever again.

Slips

There are days
When once again
The world collapses
Pulled from under us
Pulling us apart
A dark pit fall
Waiting on this moonlit path

We edge closer
Fearful of all the things
That have gone before
Wary
Cautiously
Not even holding hands
For fear of the guilt
of dragging the other down

We watch from afar
As the future races
As one of us reaches for it
The other steps back
Reaching for the hand
But it reaches out
Towards the light
That ever present future
The green green grass

And I slip and trip
Over hidden pits
And the race carries on up
And over
And home

I sit
Down
And
Tell myself
You have done this before
You are still alive
Get
Up
Now.

Arthur's Seat on Marathon Day

To weave through
The silver sheeting
Bananas and pears
To climb above
To sweat and climb
To perch on the outcrop
Hidden
Watching
The glistening crests
Twinkling stars
Of achievement and grace

A man in a leather Stetson
Takes a picture of gorse
With an M&S bag
You're not fooling anyone

It's a live band
Singing to the milling glistening crowd
And I wonder
Is that that band,
The one I met,
The one that once
didn't want to walk
in the same direction as me?

If I had someone here
If I had someone to run to
Would I be here?

Running races
up the shining path
Madness is spreading

The Passing Tax

Comfiness
Wine and chocolate
Laptops warming poor laps
Peppers vs Capsicums
Secrets
Daydreams and sighs
As one tries
to keep from lying
To the others
Of the deep down
Hidden
Carefully wrapped
In layers of fear
Delicate gossamer strands of hope
Tickling and warm
Rising briefly above the surface
To shine deep down in the soul
Spread endlessly
Shaking the bones and a smile on the face.
But it ducks beneath,
Softly disappearing
Beneath layers of thought
Of worry and fear.
The hope
To hide beneath
Lighting a shy light
Deep in the heart
Where I smile from time to time
And I find myself at my happiest.

Choice

It's yours

Fractions

You divide your time
Into little slots
Events and thoughts
Intermingling plots

A child full of confusion
Of uncertain striving
Certainly trying

Older years,
The moment you leave
Your mother's hand
And the tears flow
Free and forever
The hurt, a sulk and sniffing tears

Until you see
That life is yours
Yours alone
Yours to do with what you will
This might take years
Or never happen at all
This terrifying flower
Of responsibility and freedom

Cut short
When another comes
In its turn,
Whether you are ready or not
To give up what you've got
To take your freedom
That giddy awful life
Which was only yours
Now is not

That's truly the end
And a kind of beginning,
Of the end.
Either way
It ruins you

Nice things

That feeling when you can't really believe that things might, maybe, just might

Work out

And life might be full
Of hot cups of tea
And warm nights in
And telly
And chats
And life
Spent planning
Then doing
Then seeing all there is to see
That you can
That maybe
Just maybe
It might
Be alright.

And sometimes
It's not.

Sell yourself

Put it all out there
Your best and your worst
Ready to be torn apart
Made a fool
Or made a saint
A genius
Or a flake

See them sitting there
Checking you off
On their lists and sheets
Sharp looks and sharp words
They lean back
Share a glance
Look down at your life
In their hands
Raise eyebrows
Tap pens
Mouths twist as they ask
What you did
Where you did
How would you think
If you did this
What would you do
Speculative
Dream like
Come at me
I have them all
All the right answers
All the wrong ones too
All you need is to see me
To have me there
To feel who I am
And how I work
How I survive
In the dangerous places.

Once

Once I saw it
Clear as day
A bright flash
Pushing back the clutter
Like a shining bubble
Pressured by hope and dreams
But the mind is in flux
The white clarity
The blank certainty
A space to be filled
The difference
Between chaos
And clarity
Too large
To last for long.

It bubbles out
Until it grows too big
The belief strong at the start
Waver and stretch too thin

The chaos pushes
Questions
Probes
Pricks with cynical fingertips

Until it pops
Shockingly gone

Specks of hope
Outline where it once lay
Scatter amongst the black
Sinking deeper
White seeds
Ready.

Disasters

Drinking wine
As sunshine streams in
The cold metal handle
Presses against soft skin

An emergency return
Cheaper than original fares

Warm wake up
Quiet coach
Power for the nation
Chocolate on tap

Cold grey clouds recede into mist
The sun peeking through
Embarrassed
Promising
Evaluating

Rolling rolled brown fields
Set and ready
Waiting for their future
The scorching dry
The flooding wet
The blight
The flies
They sit
Waiting

Nothing to do
But live
And try
And wait

This silliness could happen again
Probably will

Lets hope
For all involved
That they won't have to deal
With how ridiculous I am.

Though they might.

Listening

Are they listening?
Into my thoughts
My melodies
Seeping from earphones
From the curls of pink
To the open air
To the frowns and glances
I'm scared to look
Scared to be
One of those people
The ones who don't care
Who don't help
Who walk past
In offending colours
With loud music
Volume free of conscious
Ways both free of and dependant on
Others
Offend
Eyes rolling
Hate boiling
Irrational stares
At the back of their head
The bravery they show
Makes us all hate them

I can't be like that

Can I?

Windows

Gaudy sheaths
Sweating glinting glimmering glass
Soft warm air pressing
against the cold dark night
Bodies
Breath
Moving
Breathing
Making steamy dreamy dinners
A smile
A frown
A clink
a cut
A chop
a slice
A swipe and sizzle
A shout and sigh
A laugh and dance
Checkerboard nights
Bright tenement golden ratio buildings
Alive
Now
The centre
The dead eyes
The empty halls
The world we forget
When the soft couches call
And the people drift in and out
Of doors, leave them open
Leave them shut
Keep the warm in
It escapes
In winter
Against winter
Against the night
We fight.

Deals

Calculating
Working out
Probability
Expectation
Rolling frustration
Sighs of hate
Hand out the cash
That pound
That note
Could have stayed
Could have bought you a drink
Could have paid the taxi
Could have done so much
But now
Because of it all
It can't
And I can't

The Seat

Crackles and ice sheets
Rumpled lands
Carved paths
Of many feet

Sun shafts
Slivers of steel
Soft grass
Stick in the heel

Stop here
See there
Chest sharp
Sweat dries

Cold creeps
Fingers deep
Push on
And on

The top is near
Farther than that
But near still
To hear the rant

The wind shrieks
The crows float
Caught in jets
Of Air flow

Flat rocks and not
Melted smooth by feet
Years of ascent
Endless views

What happens when the heart just stops?

Framed by the light
His face in your space
The air between, empty.
The look in his eyes
The look
The look in yours
How do you know if it is real?
It looks real
I can't tell
I don't know
You are supposed to know
Right?
Has it just stopped?
Can I start it again?
A kicking?
A shock?
Does somebody need to die
Before I feel this again?
Then that's how it ends
Truly ends
How do I sort this?
There's something wrong
I'm thinking
I'm wanting
But do I think about what I want?
Do I want all the wrong things?
Are the right things there
I just don't want them?
Is it all
Forever
And
Ever
Gone?

Stop

It's tight right now
Wound close
Each breath keeping it held
It screeches and reaches
To pull closer it's fears
The fear of being alone
The fear of being with someone just to not be alone
The fear of being happy
Stretched by continents and walls,
Footsteps
Arms lengths
The hot rich fills my face
Pours out my eyes
Which widen
To give space
To dry
I can't let it out
Let the spring spring
The calm control
The tight smiles
And thinking looks
The brain that won't stop whirring
The mind that can't stop weighing up
Each and every little drop
Thinking before it happens
Thinking after it has
What does happen
When the spring springs
What does happen when it over flows?
Bliss and chaos
The brain doesn't switch off
The world doesn't end
It keeps going
The thoughts keep clicking through the torrents
And the doubts surface
After the plunge pool of bliss
And you retreat
You pull back
At least I do.

House swap

We once swapped lives
Country to city
Young wild loud country calls
Squashed into a box amongst all other boxes
The fear in my mothers eyes
When we would call and shout
Like we did at home
The shame
It was a freedom
That like I had not known
At five years old
With an annoying brother and a foetus
To return to the loud.
The laughs and the distance
No one for miles!
No one I cared about
But I didn't care about the city folk
living on the other side of the wall
And yet I stayed silent
Stayed still
Petrified in my bed
Still listening to them
The others
On the side of the wall
With their lives so selfishly private
I would tell them everything about mine
But they said nothing
Peering over gates,
Staring into windows
Searching for the sounds
The bodies that they bring
To be pulled back
By the shamed mothers hand
"don't stare!"
Stare at what?
They were never there.

Momentum

Feel the weight of your human body
The one with fragile heavy brittle bones
Wrapped in a constant moving sheath
Of living striving wet and perfect muscle
Each one places you
Each one holds you
As the world moves around you
Under you
The bag pulls on your shoulder
The phone fills your hand
You fail to drop the phone
To save yourself
The body moves
It rests you
It keeps you
It holds you safe
You curse it
When it fails you
It fails you
It will
You will miss the confidant pull
Of erector spinae
You will miss the way with effortless ease
You pulled that door shut
Stayed upright on that rolling bus
Held your lover close with tight legs
It all ends

Memories of Christmas sold here

Tinsel and brightness
Lights boxed, promising glorious
frosted glimmers from dark boughs
Winter fruit hanging heavy
Held safe warm inside
The hope grows as winter folds
We fall deeper into its dark crisp embrace
Golden hollow fruits gleam from the sitting room
Windows steaming
Warm hoods
Cold fingers to type
Boughs trapped
Trailed from the wild mountain oceans
Caught
To stand sentinel
At our windows
Flowering against the dark


(I claim no ownership of this image)

Suffocate

The seconds of panic
Where the cold hole inside you
gasps for air but instead turns to frantic heartbeats.
Echoing amongst your thoughts
Your worries
Your fears, so heavy and sharp
Pulling deeper until the breath can save it
The deep breath that envelops
That holds
That suspends above the fragile vicera
Hold it there
Do no harm
Keep it still
And wait

New starts

How many times
Have I started again?

Each time I decide
Each time I move
New friends
New house
New job
New me

But then every year
I try to start again
New plans
New ways
New habits

Every week
Every Monday
New lists
New plans
New timetables

Every morning
Where you forget the guilt of yesterday
And plan on building on the guilt of today

Every minute
Every second
Every blink

New Years Blues

I'm fighting fit now
ready to start again
ready to face a beautiful year
coming straight from a beautiful time

I was standing there
Living life
feeling the happiness around me
the lives all pushed together watching the world wind down
watching the world turn
into a new year
into a new life

and somebody swiped my phone

in the midst of happiness
in the middle of a new start
somebody decided to take mine away

maybe it will get to them
maybe they will wake up and hand it in
maybe they wont care

in either case

this will not phase me

my life will go on,
my life will continue

and their souls shall be damaged
by this case of injustice

then again,
this is a new start
a new phone

a new view of life

I can feel it in my hand
in my pocket
in my land
it is here with me
something they cant take away
its close to me
close to my heart
it cost a lot
it lived a lot
it still has a lot to live

and I don't care if they say its only a phone
it brings happiness
lets me talk to people I love
has my books and my music
has my notes and my book
has my creativity and my images
my memories

luckily
I can get all those back
its only money

it would be nicer if they gave it back though