Once

Once I saw it
Clear as day
A bright flash
Pushing back the clutter
Like a shining bubble
Pressured by hope and dreams
But the mind is in flux
The white clarity
The blank certainty
A space to be filled
The difference
Between chaos
And clarity
Too large
To last for long.

It bubbles out
Until it grows too big
The belief strong at the start
Waver and stretch too thin

The chaos pushes
Questions
Probes
Pricks with cynical fingertips

Until it pops
Shockingly gone

Specks of hope
Outline where it once lay
Scatter amongst the black
Sinking deeper
White seeds
Ready.

Disasters

Drinking wine
As sunshine streams in
The cold metal handle
Presses against soft skin

An emergency return
Cheaper than original fares

Warm wake up
Quiet coach
Power for the nation
Chocolate on tap

Cold grey clouds recede into mist
The sun peeking through
Embarrassed
Promising
Evaluating

Rolling rolled brown fields
Set and ready
Waiting for their future
The scorching dry
The flooding wet
The blight
The flies
They sit
Waiting

Nothing to do
But live
And try
And wait

This silliness could happen again
Probably will

Lets hope
For all involved
That they won't have to deal
With how ridiculous I am.

Though they might.

Listening

Are they listening?
Into my thoughts
My melodies
Seeping from earphones
From the curls of pink
To the open air
To the frowns and glances
I'm scared to look
Scared to be
One of those people
The ones who don't care
Who don't help
Who walk past
In offending colours
With loud music
Volume free of conscious
Ways both free of and dependant on
Others
Offend
Eyes rolling
Hate boiling
Irrational stares
At the back of their head
The bravery they show
Makes us all hate them

I can't be like that

Can I?

Windows

Gaudy sheaths
Sweating glinting glimmering glass
Soft warm air pressing
against the cold dark night
Bodies
Breath
Moving
Breathing
Making steamy dreamy dinners
A smile
A frown
A clink
a cut
A chop
a slice
A swipe and sizzle
A shout and sigh
A laugh and dance
Checkerboard nights
Bright tenement golden ratio buildings
Alive
Now
The centre
The dead eyes
The empty halls
The world we forget
When the soft couches call
And the people drift in and out
Of doors, leave them open
Leave them shut
Keep the warm in
It escapes
In winter
Against winter
Against the night
We fight.

Deals

Calculating
Working out
Probability
Expectation
Rolling frustration
Sighs of hate
Hand out the cash
That pound
That note
Could have stayed
Could have bought you a drink
Could have paid the taxi
Could have done so much
But now
Because of it all
It can't
And I can't

The Seat

Crackles and ice sheets
Rumpled lands
Carved paths
Of many feet

Sun shafts
Slivers of steel
Soft grass
Stick in the heel

Stop here
See there
Chest sharp
Sweat dries

Cold creeps
Fingers deep
Push on
And on

The top is near
Farther than that
But near still
To hear the rant

The wind shrieks
The crows float
Caught in jets
Of Air flow

Flat rocks and not
Melted smooth by feet
Years of ascent
Endless views

What happens when the heart just stops?

Framed by the light
His face in your space
The air between, empty.
The look in his eyes
The look
The look in yours
How do you know if it is real?
It looks real
I can't tell
I don't know
You are supposed to know
Right?
Has it just stopped?
Can I start it again?
A kicking?
A shock?
Does somebody need to die
Before I feel this again?
Then that's how it ends
Truly ends
How do I sort this?
There's something wrong
I'm thinking
I'm wanting
But do I think about what I want?
Do I want all the wrong things?
Are the right things there
I just don't want them?
Is it all
Forever
And
Ever
Gone?

Stop

It's tight right now
Wound close
Each breath keeping it held
It screeches and reaches
To pull closer it's fears
The fear of being alone
The fear of being with someone just to not be alone
The fear of being happy
Stretched by continents and walls,
Footsteps
Arms lengths
The hot rich fills my face
Pours out my eyes
Which widen
To give space
To dry
I can't let it out
Let the spring spring
The calm control
The tight smiles
And thinking looks
The brain that won't stop whirring
The mind that can't stop weighing up
Each and every little drop
Thinking before it happens
Thinking after it has
What does happen
When the spring springs
What does happen when it over flows?
Bliss and chaos
The brain doesn't switch off
The world doesn't end
It keeps going
The thoughts keep clicking through the torrents
And the doubts surface
After the plunge pool of bliss
And you retreat
You pull back
At least I do.

House swap

We once swapped lives
Country to city
Young wild loud country calls
Squashed into a box amongst all other boxes
The fear in my mothers eyes
When we would call and shout
Like we did at home
The shame
It was a freedom
That like I had not known
At five years old
With an annoying brother and a foetus
To return to the loud.
The laughs and the distance
No one for miles!
No one I cared about
But I didn't care about the city folk
living on the other side of the wall
And yet I stayed silent
Stayed still
Petrified in my bed
Still listening to them
The others
On the side of the wall
With their lives so selfishly private
I would tell them everything about mine
But they said nothing
Peering over gates,
Staring into windows
Searching for the sounds
The bodies that they bring
To be pulled back
By the shamed mothers hand
"don't stare!"
Stare at what?
They were never there.

Momentum

Feel the weight of your human body
The one with fragile heavy brittle bones
Wrapped in a constant moving sheath
Of living striving wet and perfect muscle
Each one places you
Each one holds you
As the world moves around you
Under you
The bag pulls on your shoulder
The phone fills your hand
You fail to drop the phone
To save yourself
The body moves
It rests you
It keeps you
It holds you safe
You curse it
When it fails you
It fails you
It will
You will miss the confidant pull
Of erector spinae
You will miss the way with effortless ease
You pulled that door shut
Stayed upright on that rolling bus
Held your lover close with tight legs
It all ends

Memories of Christmas sold here

Tinsel and brightness
Lights boxed, promising glorious
frosted glimmers from dark boughs
Winter fruit hanging heavy
Held safe warm inside
The hope grows as winter folds
We fall deeper into its dark crisp embrace
Golden hollow fruits gleam from the sitting room
Windows steaming
Warm hoods
Cold fingers to type
Boughs trapped
Trailed from the wild mountain oceans
Caught
To stand sentinel
At our windows
Flowering against the dark


(I claim no ownership of this image)

Suffocate

The seconds of panic
Where the cold hole inside you
gasps for air but instead turns to frantic heartbeats.
Echoing amongst your thoughts
Your worries
Your fears, so heavy and sharp
Pulling deeper until the breath can save it
The deep breath that envelops
That holds
That suspends above the fragile vicera
Hold it there
Do no harm
Keep it still
And wait