Paralyzed

That feeling
When you can't really feel
Like you are ok
Like there's something else
Right in your way
Like there's something unsaid
Something quietly boiling
Something underneath
Something roiling

And you don't know what
Thought you think you might have
One or two solid ideas
To terrifying to breathe
Things you can't fix
Though you try and you try
Things that might
Be the most annoying thing
That you do

And you caution your breathing,
Your movements and eating
Your clothes and your face
Tone it all down
Dress it all up
For fear
You do something
To drive them away

Then more joins the fray
What if you changing,
Is something they hate
What if you changing to keep them
Makes them abdicate
That you don't have the confidence
The pride in your ways
To stay as fast as them
They don't change a day

But you can't help thinking
That if I do nothing
If I stay the way I am
That there still might be something
That niggles and tears
The politeness forbids
That thing that you do
To be mentioned
To be breathed
To be said.

Ends

Everything ends
The minute draws to a close
Ticking forward
The time of our lives
Marching on
To the next

Five o'clocks
Eight o'clocks
Twelve o'clocks
Fridays
Sundays
Thirtys
Twelves

Some wither
Some smile
Some bang and flash
Some approach with dread
Some cannot come fast enough
Some are just right
Some can run and jump

This one is so close
Yes so far
A distance to breach
A yard too far to reach
Many hurdles
Weaving the way
Jumping and pushing
Falling away

Walk on
Walk on
Walk on to the way
The silence
And calm
The panic
The drama

We all walk one way
To the end

Neat

Whole worlds folded up
Printed flat
Rolled out
Giant lands
Cultures grand
Private people
Dreams and hopes
Plans and thoughts
Struggles backwards
Forwards forever onwards
Rolling hurtling through the black
Virgin seas split by wood and steel
To be drawn
Neatly
Tidily
Fixing up those corners
Those borders
Those cities and towns
Defined by the pen
By the colour
By the fence
You put there
Nice
And
Neat.

Destinations

Where will she go
To the new towns of old
Or the old towns in the new
To the north or south
To the east
To or west
To villains or friends
To loneliness or home
To the wide world
To the small world
To the heart or to the mind

Can they be in one place?
Can it make sense?

I feel it not hard
I feel it right
I feel it doubted
By all that might
Feel they know me
Think me
Or own me
I feel my soul scared
I feel the other too

I know very little
I know quite a lot
About bits bobs and bones
About mind heart and hopes

I wish I could see
I know I'll be happy
It's just a matter of when
And with whom
And how on earth I'll get there
And if the world will be the same
Ever again.

Slips

There are days
When once again
The world collapses
Pulled from under us
Pulling us apart
A dark pit fall
Waiting on this moonlit path

We edge closer
Fearful of all the things
That have gone before
Wary
Cautiously
Not even holding hands
For fear of the guilt
of dragging the other down

We watch from afar
As the future races
As one of us reaches for it
The other steps back
Reaching for the hand
But it reaches out
Towards the light
That ever present future
The green green grass

And I slip and trip
Over hidden pits
And the race carries on up
And over
And home

I sit
Down
And
Tell myself
You have done this before
You are still alive
Get
Up
Now.

Arthur's Seat on Marathon Day

To weave through
The silver sheeting
Bananas and pears
To climb above
To sweat and climb
To perch on the outcrop
Hidden
Watching
The glistening crests
Twinkling stars
Of achievement and grace

A man in a leather Stetson
Takes a picture of gorse
With an M&S bag
You're not fooling anyone

It's a live band
Singing to the milling glistening crowd
And I wonder
Is that that band,
The one I met,
The one that once
didn't want to walk
in the same direction as me?

If I had someone here
If I had someone to run to
Would I be here?

Running races
up the shining path
Madness is spreading

The Passing Tax

Comfiness
Wine and chocolate
Laptops warming poor laps
Peppers vs Capsicums
Secrets
Daydreams and sighs
As one tries
to keep from lying
To the others
Of the deep down
Hidden
Carefully wrapped
In layers of fear
Delicate gossamer strands of hope
Tickling and warm
Rising briefly above the surface
To shine deep down in the soul
Spread endlessly
Shaking the bones and a smile on the face.
But it ducks beneath,
Softly disappearing
Beneath layers of thought
Of worry and fear.
The hope
To hide beneath
Lighting a shy light
Deep in the heart
Where I smile from time to time
And I find myself at my happiest.

Choice

It's yours

Fractions

You divide your time
Into little slots
Events and thoughts
Intermingling plots

A child full of confusion
Of uncertain striving
Certainly trying

Older years,
The moment you leave
Your mother's hand
And the tears flow
Free and forever
The hurt, a sulk and sniffing tears

Until you see
That life is yours
Yours alone
Yours to do with what you will
This might take years
Or never happen at all
This terrifying flower
Of responsibility and freedom

Cut short
When another comes
In its turn,
Whether you are ready or not
To give up what you've got
To take your freedom
That giddy awful life
Which was only yours
Now is not

That's truly the end
And a kind of beginning,
Of the end.
Either way
It ruins you

Nice things

That feeling when you can't really believe that things might, maybe, just might

Work out

And life might be full
Of hot cups of tea
And warm nights in
And telly
And chats
And life
Spent planning
Then doing
Then seeing all there is to see
That you can
That maybe
Just maybe
It might
Be alright.

And sometimes
It's not.

Sell yourself

Put it all out there
Your best and your worst
Ready to be torn apart
Made a fool
Or made a saint
A genius
Or a flake

See them sitting there
Checking you off
On their lists and sheets
Sharp looks and sharp words
They lean back
Share a glance
Look down at your life
In their hands
Raise eyebrows
Tap pens
Mouths twist as they ask
What you did
Where you did
How would you think
If you did this
What would you do
Speculative
Dream like
Come at me
I have them all
All the right answers
All the wrong ones too
All you need is to see me
To have me there
To feel who I am
And how I work
How I survive
In the dangerous places.