Lady brain

Doodle mania, inspiration from pintrest.

My life so far

Well able

The hum of soft labour

A slow awakening

Realisation

That you

As all others have said before

You are,

Those you didn't believe, 

You are 

Well able. 

She

That strand of sinew 

That pulls a little

Farther than it should

That echo of pain

Wrapped in a smile

Hidden by the eyes

I know what she sees

I see what she is

I've seen it deep

She walks with a stride

Looks in each reflected pool

Carries her bag like a small child

She has it

The weight of others love

The talent, the gift

The pain of the weight

Of the love

Creaks

Like a oak hewn table

Under levels of love

Creaks

But holds

Under the weight

Of this love. 

Go

Wait a while
Sit and see
See the whole world
Rush to meet
Your feet

The chest feels tight
The breath filling
Shallow and quick
The eyes blur
The focus shifts

Take the quick breath
Feel the muscles hurt
Feel them pull
And scrape and tear

As you pull yourself
Up
From that seat
That chair
Where you sat
Waiting

It's your turn now
But you've grown comfortable
Waiting
Happily sitting

Afraid of the pain
Afraid of the change
Afraid of the fear
You feel

So you stay where you know
and become an expert
At sitting
At waiting

Ignore your name called
Ignore the signs
And watch the others
pass you by.

Destructions

Followed to a point
Early often the point
Where sheets are crumpled
and the panic set in
Each section placed
A screw lost
A side unseen
A list missed
The key
To turn
Suspiciously absent

And it sets,
It builds
the panic
the cost
the anger
the fear

damp it down
take a breath
pretend and pretend

sit back and wait
wait and clear
and find
find find
under the chairs
the couch
the wall
the fridge
the next room. and you find it
the one thing
under your boot
under you
you were the biggest destruction
in your own way.

but hey
you have it now
and get on with it.

The Eyes

I did see it,
there
beyond the spiculations
and the strange edges
there
in the deep black
in the darkness
a warmth
an abyss
waiting there
teetering at the edge
gasped breath
a little hitch
cover it with moving
with the warm look
moved
to widened silliness,
but I saw it
I saw it all

You can hide it.
you can wait,
you can see who snaps first,
but I knew
and you knew I knew
the careful control
you have
over your shoulders
your arms
your chest
but your eyes
and your hands
they give you away
and I've seen it
I've seen it all.

Spring

Spring pushes up
Little and slowly
From the deep core
Pushing through the cold
The frost
Softening the earth
Last years leaves
mulching into next year greens
The white dead sits on new green
As it slowly sprouts
Reaching to the sky
To the height
Spinning off this surface
Off the land
Off the spinning core pulling it back
Pushing out
Reaching for the sun
Reaching for its loving embrace
It's wash of warmth
It's magic heat
Opening the world
Feeding it full
Of a world
Perfectly adapted
To live
Again

Roll around the year rolls on
And it will roll into death again
And again
But it always comes back
It always pushes up
And springs.

The Long Game

I chunk it up
chunk it and crush it
under the wheels,
it seems smaller that way
easier to see
the long game still batters
and wails at my door
the latch is holding
a door for each weekend
my barrier against life
against the time
and the deadlines
and the pressures and strife

from all that i think of
from all that i worry
i still sit here
wondering
if i just didn't
then when
when would it catch up with me?
when would i end
when would i fail out
and when would i tell?

for now i feel happy
cautious and whole
as the bubble of tension
wraps its strands round my soul

each organ reacting
as if the end of the world
is two weeks away
panicking
rumbling and tumbling
around in this case

the brain, serene
above all that waste
sees farther ahead,
ignores the oncoming storm,
can see above waves
to the calm and the home
now only to get there
to that island and free

i shall walk
i shall see
i shall give the body a task
and set the mind free.

Sevenling

She stares up at the black
sees the stars twinkle back
Holes in the world

She feels it deep
in that cold pale skin
The starlight shines

Sinks in deep.

Sea Breaks

Sunny streaks across speckled plastic window panes
the world flies by, from coast to coast, we sit and watch
as we slide like a hot knife through soft butter
like a shark blade through smooth seas
splitting the green and brown, turning the turf beneath
unzipping the countryside, for our eyes only.

gleams of seas
of turf and tide
blue and brown
cut by searing white
blinking flash of reflection
off glass
the racing bodies
encased
safe
a soft lean

gravity peeks in
to show us what she can do
the moon breaks
over soft sandy shingles
pulling the worlds blanket over itself
stealing the sheets
only to let it loose again
and again
and again

the hot face
warmed by wind
 and sun
 and happiness
 free
small change
for a small change
that keeps me smiling
when the sun drops and fades.

Plus +

And here we are again
Round and round it fails to end
Again I sit here
The place is different
So am I
Yet here we are again
Adding one
To another
Pinning hopes on fleeting dreams
Watching each future flash out
Finding another in its place
A world in turmoil
Adding the minutes
The days
The years
To the total
The sum of your life

And you can see
The mountain of achievements
The little and the big
The little craters of mistakes
The landslides of catastrophe

But you are still here
Still standing on this mountain of minutes
And the higher you climb
The more you see
The higher you climb
The less important those falls seem to be
And they help you
They make you
They are you.

Hold that ...

Space
That huge space
Waiting to be filled
By what?
you don't know
I don't either
Don't look at me!

I have a few plans
A few things I want
To pack away
Like gold stars
For a rainy day
Or when it all comes down on me
Or you
Or us
To pull out and look at
And sigh
And smile
That space
For precious things
For happiness and memories
For hopes and dreams
Waiting
Empty

But maybe that the best bit
The only bit
The waiting
The space for more
The yearning
For finishing
For completeness
For happiness

What happens when it's full?
Do we sit back now?
Are we done?
Do we finish life now?
Do we get a free ticket out?

Don't know if I like that
So I think I'll keep free
That space
Hold that space
For me.

April PAD Challenge

Tidal Waves

Time ticks on

time ticks faster

and faster 

seeing me founder

in front of its tide

Which pulls closer
and closer

my time

to its very end

to the lowest

to the end

I know it will roll right over me

fast

if I don't run

to catch

the glimpse of a chance

a future

so far

so far

but marching close

Instead I sit here
on the beach
watching the tide pull back
stretching out the interesting things
the rocks
and sand
and little things
small
helpless things
wriggling in the sand
and I sit
and stare at this beautiful world
revealed
by the irresistible pull
of the future
waiting
to crash
and destroy

it will hit me
I will be swept away
and yet
I cant climb
the nearest tree
or run to the mountain
when all others are
I sit
and watch
and wait
for it
for it will come
and I might have time
if I just wait
one
more
minute.

Pause

When distance
becomes terrible
when lengths
takes it through
past the width
of the ribs
past the beat
of the foundering heart
when eyes
stare blank
at the window, at the wall
at the cracks of sunlight
at the time that ticks
at the silence
and softness
at the wishes
to pause it

and keep it
keep you
keep it
safe
secret
warm
and forever
splitting time
by heartbeat
by blink
by flicker
by hand hold
in the dark
in the silence.

Paralyzed

That feeling
When you can't really feel
Like you are ok
Like there's something else
Right in your way
Like there's something unsaid
Something quietly boiling
Something underneath
Something roiling

And you don't know what
Thought you think you might have
One or two solid ideas
To terrifying to breathe
Things you can't fix
Though you try and you try
Things that might
Be the most annoying thing
That you do

And you caution your breathing,
Your movements and eating
Your clothes and your face
Tone it all down
Dress it all up
For fear
You do something
To drive them away

Then more joins the fray
What if you changing,
Is something they hate
What if you changing to keep them
Makes them abdicate
That you don't have the confidence
The pride in your ways
To stay as fast as them
They don't change a day

But you can't help thinking
That if I do nothing
If I stay the way I am
That there still might be something
That niggles and tears
The politeness forbids
That thing that you do
To be mentioned
To be breathed
To be said.

Ends

Everything ends
The minute draws to a close
Ticking forward
The time of our lives
Marching on
To the next

Five o'clocks
Eight o'clocks
Twelve o'clocks
Fridays
Sundays
Thirtys
Twelves

Some wither
Some smile
Some bang and flash
Some approach with dread
Some cannot come fast enough
Some are just right
Some can run and jump

This one is so close
Yes so far
A distance to breach
A yard too far to reach
Many hurdles
Weaving the way
Jumping and pushing
Falling away

Walk on
Walk on
Walk on to the way
The silence
And calm
The panic
The drama

We all walk one way
To the end

Neat

Whole worlds folded up
Printed flat
Rolled out
Giant lands
Cultures grand
Private people
Dreams and hopes
Plans and thoughts
Struggles backwards
Forwards forever onwards
Rolling hurtling through the black
Virgin seas split by wood and steel
To be drawn
Neatly
Tidily
Fixing up those corners
Those borders
Those cities and towns
Defined by the pen
By the colour
By the fence
You put there
Nice
And
Neat.

Destinations

Where will she go
To the new towns of old
Or the old towns in the new
To the north or south
To the east
To or west
To villains or friends
To loneliness or home
To the wide world
To the small world
To the heart or to the mind

Can they be in one place?
Can it make sense?

I feel it not hard
I feel it right
I feel it doubted
By all that might
Feel they know me
Think me
Or own me
I feel my soul scared
I feel the other too

I know very little
I know quite a lot
About bits bobs and bones
About mind heart and hopes

I wish I could see
I know I'll be happy
It's just a matter of when
And with whom
And how on earth I'll get there
And if the world will be the same
Ever again.